First I want to thank Unheard Voices for opening this advice panel for people like myself to seek advice when they feel they have nowhere else to turn to. I would ask that you keep me anonymous. I have a dilemma with hopes of seeking your utmost and honest advice. Fair warning, this is pretty long but I really do hope you can help me.
I work in the medical field and I’m in the midst of completing my residency. I met this woman at the hospital/school we are both attending. We crossed paths one day as I was walking into work. This beautiful chocolate woman caught my eye. Ironically, we were both going into the same building; end up on the elevator going to the same floor. I wasn’t sure if she liked women but I have a pretty good gaydar once I start holding a conversation with women lol. She was very friendly and we exchanged numbers (as friends) before she went her way and I mine. Through later talking and flirting, I found out I was correct. This chocolate dream was into woman. In fact, she told me she has always seen me in passing and was too afraid to say hello.
We began hanging out every chance we had free time. Talking and texting each other almost every day. She was really into me and I was really into her. After about a month I felt it was getting serious. Well that’s until she found out I was bisexual.
I feel angry, frustrated, upset, and worthless all at the same time because we went from lusting and liking one another to now her showing signs of disinterest. Every time I call her she’s busy now. Every time I text her she texts back days later saying she’s sorry she’s been so busy. How busy can you be? I see you on social media posting every five minutes as if you don’t have a life. Posting pictures with friends and other women ‘hanging out’. You went from lusting and loving me to now being too busy? I don’t buy it!
But I get it. I’m not desired anymore because she assumes I’m a whore as all people think bisexuals are. I’m confused because she’s knows I’m not. I’m a career-orientated focus GROWN ASS woman. I don’t have time for childish tendencies and playing games. I was raised to respect myself and my body. So a ‘whore’, ‘tramp’ ‘heathen’ whatever people call it, is what I’m definitely not. Considering that I work in the medical field, I know the risks of being one and this is more of a reason why I do not indulge in foolish activities. She knows and understands this which is why this situation has me completely baffled. As she states I was the ‘type of woman she’s NEVER talked to before’. So why the change?
I have not been with a man sexually or a relationship in 7 years. My last serious relationship with a woman with 4 years ago. I have not been in a relationship since. Actually I haven’t had sex since either. I know in this day and age that is shocking but I don’t believe in indulging in lustful temptations when you’re not in a relationship or serious. I tried to explain this to her but she is slowly pushing me into the friend zone. I really liked her BUT because she has prejudged me I am ready to move the hell on and stop trying with her.
This is why I didn’t tell her at first. I asked her opinion on bisexuals one day and she went on and on and on about how they are nasty. They flip flop from men to women. They want their cake and eat it too. Every ignorant answer you could give she gave it. About a month into us talking I finally told her because I believe in being honest (especially when I feel things are getting serious) and that’s when the change happened. She keeps saying she’s just been busy. I’m not stupid. I know for a fact that it’s because I’m bisexual and it’s beyond frustrating!
My problem is while I haven’t been with a man sexually in 7 years, I still find myself attracted to them. The last date I’ve been on with a man was a year ago. This is why I identify as ‘bisexual’. However my last two relationships have been with women. You might call me confused but I am not. I know what I want. I’m looking for the one whether it is with a man or a woman. Just as much I can marry and stay with a man forever, I CAN DO and WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE to do the same with a woman. I do not stray and crave something from the other when I’m with one. And my attraction is beyond sexual for me. She is running an absolutely good woman away because I’m attracted to and HAD sex with men!!! She’s not considering the last time I’ve been with them sexually. Is she thinking I would leave her for a man? Absolutely not! When I am with you, I AM WITH YOU. That’s it.
I did bring it up to her about it and she brushed me off. She said it wasn’t a problem but I know it is. I really believe she’s afraid to tell me it is a problem because she knows I’m emotional. But I’m not a baby and I can handle a grown woman giving me her honest opinion. I would respect her more instead of her trying to lie and hide from me like a kid!!
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I’m sorry for the rant. I don’t have anyone to really seek advice from. All of my friends are very straight and either very married or in relationships.
What should I do? Should I just leave her alone and find someone who will love me for me? I finally found someone who is not intimidated by my career status, social status, loved my personality, and really cared about my well-being. I still do really really really like her. I myself have been keeping my distance from her now because I’m stuck with this dilemma. I don’t like to be hurt. This is why I haven’t called or text her in awhile. Because yet again it would be another one bites the dust. I don’t like my emotions being played with either. Its killing me that’s she purposely pushing me away and I know for a fact it’s because of the bisexual thing. She just won’t admit it. I’m crazy over her but I’m not crazy to stay when I’m not wanted anymore.
What’s your advice? Should I try again and talk to her about it? Or move on since she’s pushing me away anyway?
Confused M.D., 29, Illinois
Dear Confused M. D.,
Now, I am a lesbian female and I must say that I as well refuse to date bisexual woman. Most lesbian women that I know of feel the same way. We all have our own reasons but it is something that is not uncommon in the LGBTQ community. It’s simply a preference. We all have our own.
Now I understand that you are not a fan of her preference but honestly love you don’t have a right to be angry with her. You knew what her stance was from the questions you asked of her. Just because you chose to proceed that does not mean she has to. And being angry with her or bothered by her decision is wrong of you. I think you forget that you KNOWINGLY withheld information.
I get it… You believe that you are a great catch and Im not contesting that you are but the way you feel about this is kind of selfish. You can’t expect her to just change how she feels because of you. That would be asking her to value your opinion more than she values her own and no one should EVER do that.
As for her being distant… Honestly she has every right to curse you out! Appreciate that she is taking the adult path because there are so many other people in the world who wouldn’t. You kept something pertinent from her. That was a selfish move. And it seems like you did it because you felt you could change her mind. She’s not a child love. She is a grown woman that is already set in her ways. Realistically you may have had a better chance if you would have told her you were bisexual when you were asking her about her stance. That was your open opportunity love. That was your chance to explain that you have not been with a man in years and have no desire to deal with both sexes. That was your time to plead your case. And just like you remember that conversation vividly she may too and could possibly feel manipulated.
You need to step out of your own feelings and consider hers for a second. Maybe she acquired feelings too! How do you know she’s not hurt because she really liked you and now she feels played?
You have to understand that you will not be worth it to everyone. You also have to understand that that is okay. I also need you to understand that this whole situation you created for yourself Mama. Rather than being angry you perhaps should call her and tell her that you really need to talk to her. Make a date to take her to dinner or to get some coffee and APOLOGIZE. You very well wasted her time too and she needs to know that you are aware of that.
After you apologize don’t force anything. Just see where things go. See if you guys think you are both worth the struggle. If not just take it as a lesson learned and move on.
But for future reference just understand that some people choose not to date people who are bisexual so just be upfront about it. If you are comfortable in yourself this should not be a problem.
I hope I’ve helped you and I hope you guys can come to some kind of understanding. I really would like to know what the outcome is so I look forward to hearing from you.