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#AskRude: I’m in love with her but she keeps running back to him!

I’m in love with a young bisexual woman who wants to keep me around yet she doesn’t want to let go of her well know disrespectful boyfriend/newly baby daddy

DaRuddest Jones

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#AskRude: I'm in love with her but she keeps running back to him!
Photo By @alyssasieb on nappy.co

Dear Rude,


I’m in love with a young bisexual woman who wants to keep me around yet she doesn’t want to let go of her well know disrespectful boyfriend/newly baby daddy. It makes me sick that she knows he’s a jerk to her & doesn’t know how to treat her nor respect her whenever he is angry with her, yet she still chooses to go back to him.

I just don’t know what to do, every time I try to get away from her we always find a reason to continue talking. It truly bothers me seeing her being disrespected when she deserves better. Even when she states that she knows he’s no good she still runs back & I don’t know if it’s just because he’s a free space to stay, or because she’s really in love, or just her pregnancy hormones. I’m praying that you could give me some insides on this & I know they say lesbians should stay from bisexual women, but you just can’t help who you fall in love with.


Sign,
Love Stuck Sap

Dear Love Stuck Sap,

Honey I’m going to need you to look in your mirror and find your self respect!

I understand love is a big emotion but you don’t allow yourself to disrespected for anyone. Do you not see how wrong this whole situation is?  And it has nothing to do with the fact that she is bisexual. Anyone can do exactly what she is doing.

Never are you suppose to allow yourself to play second to anyone. You are essentially the side chick. To hell with essentially … YOU ARE THE SIDE CHICK! If this person had any love or care for you she would never put you in this situation. And you should love yourself more than this. Once you were aware that she was in a relationship you were suppose to leave her alone. Not stay around hoping that she realizes that he ain’t sh-t!

It seems to me like you justify it all because she is in an abusive relationship but honey that is no where near a good enough excuse. When it is all said and done the person that is going to be hurt is you.

She has a whole life that she is dealing with and you are making it your burden by choice. This is not about her being pregnant. This is about you allowing someone to manipulate your emotions! You’re concerned with her being disrespected yet you are not bothering to see that you are being disrespected. How often do you consider yourself in this situation?

Sweetie walk away form this. It is nothing but drama… Someone else’s drama at that.

I think you should take some time to be alone and learn to love you because anyone who truly loves themselves will not be willing to accept this.

I have been in love before. I was in love with someone amazing… She was the air in my lungs. But despite how amazing she was she cheated on me.She started a whole new relationship behind my back.  She tried to keep me around even though she was in a relationship but I had to love myself enough to walk away. It hurt but I had to love me more than I loved her. At the end of the day she goes back to her new girlfriend. I don’t want sloppy seconds and you shouldn’t either. Furthermore if she can cheat on him with you how are you so certain that she wouldn’t cheat on you with someone else? You ever hear that the way you get them is the way you lose them? Its true honey!

When you die you lay in your grave alone. Put you before any and everyone. You have to stay true to you.

I know this may seem difficult to you but I promise you that when you look back you are going to be totally pissed off with yourself. Don’t allow someone to turn you into damaged goods because they are damaged. You say that she deserves better but are you even seeing that you deserve better?

This is a brutally messy situation my love and I would advise that you walk away from it immediately. It will hurt  but it has to be done. I really do hope you eventually choose yourself.

Madd Love,

Rude

Ask Rude, DaRuddest Jones


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Ask Rude

#AskRude: My Besties Crush Crushed Her… What Do I Do?

My Besties Crush Crushed Her… What Do I Do? See how DaRuddest Jones responds to this question exclusively on Unheard Voices Magazine.

DaRuddest Jones

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#AskRude: My Besties Crush Crushed Her... What Do I Do?
Photo Credit: Personal Development Guy

Dear Rude,

What type of advice or tips would you give to a person struggling to get
past a crush not liking them back?

My friend finally had the guts to tell
a guy she liked him. They talked for a short time and then this awkward
faze started to happen. He basically just stopped talking to her.

I think he was forcing himself to like her because he didn’t want to hurt her
feelings.

What a douche bag instead of just telling her in the beginning
they should be friends.

She’s really struggling with this because she really liked him. I’m trying to help her by talking about other things. I even suggested setting her up on a date so she can get this other man off her mind. Help me please! I’m running out of ideas!

She’s acting so depressed like there ain’t no other men out there! As the bff it’s driving me crazy.

Also what type of tips would you give to know if a crush likes you back? I’m not trying to have my home girl going through the same thing again.

 

Worried BFF, 25, AZ

 

Dear Worried BFF,

Yea, that is a tough one. But if it was just a crush you need to make her understand that it was just that. She is devoting way too much of her emotions to someone who was essentially never hers.

You need to snap your friend into reality and make her understand that there was no commitment.

Sometimes as a friend you have to be the bad guy and I promise you she will love you unconditionally for it in the end.

I have a bestie, her name is Flo and I tell you no lies when I get out of hand she curses me out and straightens me up and I love her more than air for it.

Friends are our hand selected family. We choose them because we know they will make us better.

If she is this torn up about a crush that leads me to believe there are internal issues that she may need to handle. Perhaps the last thing she needs is to be hooked up with someone else. I feel like she may need to indulge in crushing on herself before anyone else can be on her radar. She really needs to fall in love with herself. That really is the only way to snap her out of her deep funk.

Though I have never been broken hearted over a crush I have been broken hearted and I understand what the rock bottom feeling of heart break feels like. I know what it feels like to have high expectations and be let down so I do understand what she may be feeling. She feels like inhaling is going to make her heart pop right out of her chest and that is a pain that no words can ever really explain.

Your friend needs you to be strong enough to bring her back to life. Don’t let her slip into a deep depression because the deeper she goes the harder its going to be to snap her back. It is your job to remind her that she is not dead and that no person makes her alive… Only she can do that.

As for how to know if someone likes you … That is something that only time can tell you. Everyone expresses their emotions differently so you have to just follow your heart and your instincts. But what I will say is to never be a fool for anyone. So play things as close or as far as you feel comfortable and don’t move too fast. let things slowly progress. Get to know them.

The problem that I find so many people have is they rush. There’s nothing in the world wrong with moving slowly. There’s no need to rush into anything. Pay attention to subtleties. Pay attention to how a person treats you and how they regard you and you will know.

Relationships are difficult but when given the appropriate care and attention they can be the most amazing experiences in the world.

I wish your friend the best and please keep me posted with her progression.

Madd Love,

Rude

Photo Credit: Personal Development Guy


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#AskRude: (Follow Up 2) She Was Into Me Until She Found Out I Was Bi

#AskRude: (Follow Up 2) She Was Into Me Until She Found Out I Was Bi

DaRuddest Jones

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She Found Out I Was Bi

Table of Contents

Dear Rude,

I wanted to write in to give everyone a quick update on my situation. First thank you to Shae for her thoughtful comment.. You made me believe there is light after the tunnel. I also want to thank you Rude for answering my question. While I think you vaguely answered it and I don’t agree with it, I do respect it. I am well aware that there are many lesbian women who think like you and I find that very unfortunate. I did however take your advice and asked chocolate dream on an apology date. She agreed and wasn’t hesitant to say the least. I was very shocked lol. We had a very long engaging talk. The bottom line was she was more hurt than angry for me not telling her in the beginning. I guess in part it was due to me being afraid since it was the first time for me talking to a lesbian. She was hurt and the distance, as she says, was simply to avoid her from telling me off. I completely understand. As Shae said, if I can master the art of getting a medical degree, complete an internship, and now working on my residency, then I should be able to apply that to my personal life. Lying or hiding a piece of me will no longer happen. I have learned my lesson. I have learned that I must woman up. The talk chocolate dream and I had was much needed. I poured my heart out. She poured hers. We argued. At the end of it all we realized that we really like each other. 

I am happy to say we are officially dating. As she puts it she doesn’t want to lose the opportunity of getting to know a great woman. I thank her for giving me a chance and for putting her opinions to the side to really get to know who I am. And that is, not the stereotypical bisexual woman we are betrayed to be. I want to say to all the bisexual women please don’t feel discouraged when one doesn’t want you. There will be one that will look beyond your sexual orientation and love you for yourself. You are valued. And if you are a great woman it will exude to the next woman. Life is too short to waste a potential good opportunity. A good one will realize that.

 

M.D., 29, Illinois

 

Dear M.D.,

Giiirrrlllll, I am so happy for you. I told you thats all she needed!

And honey, opinions are like assholes… So never be concerned with the opinions of people. We all have had life experiences that have jaded us in different ways. That comes with humanity. But always stay true to you and who you are.

Im so happy for you and I wish you guys nothing short of the best.

Don’t forget to send me an invite to the wedding 🙂

Madd Love,

Rude


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#AskRude (Follow up): She Was Into Me Until She Found Out I Was Bi

#AskRude : She Was Into Me Until She Found Out I Was Bi

DaRuddest Jones

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Dear Rude,

Ouch. That was harsh. I guess I didn’t tell her at first partly because she was very passionate in her position. It seemed her mind was pretty set on bisexual women and why she would not date them EVER. So ultimately, I was selfish because I was afraid to lose her. This is why I waited to tell her. The two women I have dated ironically were bisexual. So this too posed a problem to me because this was the first time talking to a lesbian. But you know what? You are right. I’m going to take your advice, call her, and see if I have a chance to explain to her. No matter the outcome, I’m grown enough to handle it. I will be sure to write in to let you know the outcome. I have a follow up question that would be great for this column because I know other women who share in this experience.

Why do bisexuals, especially women, get so much flack in the LGBTQ community when we’re all apart of the same community? It is like the “B” should not exist.

If a straight person doesn’t like my ‘bisexual’ identity, for me that is quite understandable. But to be ousted in a community that I belong to has always bewildered me.

I believe some people’s opinions are preconceived notions based on what society, media, and entertainment puts out there about bisexuals. Basically that it is all about the sex, they are confused, or they like to flip back & forth. Quite frankly it’s annoying because for some that is not the case. Granted there are some nasty bisexual women (who I don’t even call ‘bi’ but “sike-a-dykes”) who think it’s cute calling themselves “bi”. These women only like their ‘you know what’ licked & played with and would NEVER be seen outside in public or date a woman but yet call themselves ‘bisexual’. It gives women like me a very bad reputation.

It is already hard enough being an African-American/Filipino woman dealing with judgment from my community and my family because I like women. For the same treatment to occur in the LGBTQ community to me is asinine. It’s just my opinion.

So I guess my question is …Why do bisexuals, especially women, get so much flack in the LGBTQ community when we’re all apart of the same community?

As a lesbian women yourself, what is your advice to a bisexual grounded woman trying to find acceptance in a community that doesn’t show love to her? In your opinion, do you think bisexuals are confused?

Don’t get me wrong, I respect yours and almost every other lesbian’s preference on not dating bisexual women. However I don’t feel like I should have to settle because of my preference.

Just like you cannot help you like women. I cannot help that I’m attracted to women and men.

 

Confused M.D. , 29, Illinois

 

Dear Confused M.D.,

You asked so I will answer.

For me dealing with bisexual women is gross. I am a lesbian and my mouth is  a huge part of sex for me, I don’t desire to put my mouth anywhere that has male remains and I personally don’t care how long its been since you’ve been with a man. Furthermore every bisexual female I was with annoyed the HELL out of me. There’s too much drama!

But I figured my response would not be good enough so I summonsed some Facebook friends for their take on dating a bisexual female.

But as for why bisexual women get so much of a hard time… I think It has a lot to do with the experiences many of us have had with them. Now do understand that I do not in any shape form or fashion speak for all lesbians nor do my friends. But I thought It would be nice to hear other perspectives and not just my own.

I believe that there is somebody for everybody and if a person loves you they will love all parts of you. And you can’t be upset when a person does not. Finding the right one is far from an easy task but when it happens it is certainly worth ALL of the hard work.

We all have our own reasons but at the end of the day you can’t change that. We are all adults and are free to make our own life choices. So it is up to you how you handle these differences. Do you let them break you or do you keep pushing along because you know that you are absolutely awesome?

Don’t let one person ruin your search for love. It will come and when it does it will e all you ever needed in life. Just don’t let the differences in opinions jade your heart or thought process. And most of all… Don’t be afraid to be upfront and honest. Being direct can sometimes get you the prize!

Madd Love,

Rude

Facebook Responses

  • Scw MadamAmbition To each their own but I couldn’t handle that. I would always see her with a male in my mind and it would push me so far away from her.
  •  Joi Sanchez I don’t like to attach stigmas to people but my experience had proven that they are more confused then they like to admit to. I now take it on a case by case basis. Get to know her and see how real she is about this life.
     
  • Suretha Robinson I have in the past but it was a bad experience because she wanted all her cake and eat it too. I wouldn’t mind it so much if I could run into one who believes in one relationship at a time and one sex at a time. That’s NOT my experience though. Whenever I come across a bisexual woman, usually she has a main man or men she’s dealing with and wants to just play with women like we are a joke and just a play thing. They’ll tell you that they’re not gonna stop messing with their man for you. They’ll even use the excuse that they keep a man around for their kids.
  • Janeé MissJae Mabry Personally I am only into females and prefers my partner to be as well. If my lover liked men and penis I’d feel I’d never be able to fully please her because that is something I can’t offer. Also subconsciously I’d be thinking “when was the last time there was a dick in there, did she use a condom, did he leave stuff behind ” every time I go down on her. Might even be checking to see if it’s looser than I left it… Lol No Nope No Absolutely not! Not judging tho, to each it’s own…. But for me personally, NO!
  • Sylvia FloSsy Pullum Absolutely not. Been there done it and it was a bad experience. Bisexual women think they can be wit you and a man. To each it’s own but as an aggressive woman we can’t deal wit stuff like that. Most of our fears are women leaving us for men so why put up with a confused woman. It also makes it hard to trust our real lesbian females. That’s just my opinion!!
  • DaRuddest Jones I personally refuse. The idea of going down and not knowing what remnants remain is very disturbing to me. And I personally don’t believe we will both view the relationship in the same light. I don’t believe there will be any longevity.

How can we work when you only partially get me?

I can handle having a female as competition but how can I compete  with a man when we don’t have the same equipment? I feel like I’m losing the game before we start the game.

Furthermore,

I need a female who is aggressive. I need a female who can handle me and snatch me up because as most of you know my mouth is CRAZY lol. 9 times out of 10 a female that’s taking dick isn’t going to be but so in tuned with their aggressive side because they are capable of being subdued by a man. I can handle you getting your back blown by a female oppose to a man.

I don’t think they are confused. They genuinely like both. I’m fine with that I just need them to be with knowing A huge chunk of lesbians do not want them.

And on some real honest sh*t… If I do deal with a bi female it’s sheerly for sex. That would never be a relationship I take seriously and I would not be a giver at all.

Oh and let’s not forget the higher chances of pregnancy.

Maaaannnnnn listen…. Most of you know I’m anti kids. Let a chick I’m with pop up pregnant…. Imma stop her heart with my bare d-mn hands!

  • Reign Taylor In my past it was a strict no. The more I got to know myself, and embrace who I am, the less I care about who she dated in her past. I’m trying to be her future. My focus is on us. What I have to do to keep us happy, growing and together. All relationships have their own struggles. People cheat and do other sh-t that make it hard to stay together. That’s just facts. These days, I want to know my partner. Make sure we are on the same page from the door. Become friends before we start f–king and let everything else come together on its own. So yes, I will and have dated bi-women. It would be foolish of me to miss out on the woman that is everything I am looking for just because she is bi. I’m more concerned with whats in the package than the box it comes in. Who are you? We can go from there.
  • DaRuddest Jones But honey, her sexuality is inside the box…. her fat ass is the package. Lol.
     
  • Suretha Robinson Right DaRuddest…that’s why I don’t deal.
     
  • Reign Taylor Right and when u get to the point that u love someone or are willing to, you have to accept all that they are. Good, bad and indifferent.DaRuddest Jones
     
  • Reign Taylor Being with a strict lesbian doesn’t mean she isn’t gonna do sh*t to hurt you, bruise your pride, put your health at risk. People do dumb a*s sh*t period. So I need to know who u are as a person before we start f–king. Chicks can be reckless regardless of their sexuality.
  • DaRuddest Jones True. Females are annoying PERIOD but dealing with a female that has a double attraction only doubles the bs.
  • DaRuddest Jones And from my own experience bi chick’s are rather disrespectful. They don’t put guys in their place the way that they should. They like the attention and I don’t have time for that.I’m quick to tell a guy to get the fu*k out my face before I f*ck his mother and make his sister watch. Where as a bi chick tends to still toot that ass up a little bit even when they’re trying not to. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I have the patience to sit and figure out if you mean what you say. Life it too short.
  • Joi Sanchez I will also say that I’ve lived both sides.. Everyone who knows me knows I have children from a man, and I’ve always been fluid with my sexuality, so maybe that’s why I take it on a case by case because not every female is the same. I’ve never identified as bisexual because I don’t get involved with someone based on what they do or don’t have. I am also that female that will put a man in his place if he gets out of line.. And I also think that’s the difference. A female must know who she is first before deciding to adapt to any particular identity. A female must also learn to have respect for herself and others regardless of how she identifies.
    I’ve always been a queer woman, I’ve never denied my attraction to the human beings that we all are. But i went through years of folks not understanding me and assuming I would do them dirty because I couldn’t say i would never f–k a man.
    On the same note though, it was because of those stigmas that I made sure to always check myself if I felt I might be disrespecting the person I was with at the time. It’s NEVER okay to cheat, sneak, and lie to get what you want, no matter who you wanna f–k. I think most of us have been hurt because the way bi-sexuality and women in general will lie to themselves and everyone else because this LGbt life is still seen as “other” and a different love that is somehow not normal, when in fact it’s as natural as the skin you’re in. Sexuality is naturally fluid. In ancient African tribes (and some today still) those who are LGBT/two-spirit etc. are seen as spiritual guides and gate keepers between realms of the physical and spirit worlds. This new world has forgotten and replaced Our history with a phallocentric, white-supremacist, patriarchal teaching of binaries that has been successful in keeping us disconnected from our powerful ancestry. (<—total tangent but couldn’t help it)
  • Reign Taylor ^^^^^ Too true.
  • Brittnee Lucas I will never do it again in my life.


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