askrude #AskRude (Follow up): She Was Into Me Until She Found Out I Was Bi

Dear Rude,

Ouch. That was harsh. I guess I didn’t tell her at first partly because she was very passionate in her position. It seemed her mind was pretty set on bisexual women and why she would not date them EVER. So ultimately, I was selfish because I was afraid to lose her. This is why I waited to tell her. The two women I have dated ironically were bisexual. So this too posed a problem to me because this was the first time talking to a lesbian. But you know what? You are right. I’m going to take your advice, call her, and see if I have a chance to explain to her. No matter the outcome, I’m grown enough to handle it. I will be sure to write in to let you know the outcome. I have a follow up question that would be great for this column because I know other women who share in this experience.

Why do bisexuals, especially women, get so much flack in the LGBTQ community when we’re all apart of the same community? It is like the “B” should not exist.

If a straight person doesn’t like my ‘bisexual’ identity, for me that is quite understandable. But to be ousted in a community that I belong to has always bewildered me.

I believe some people’s opinions are preconceived notions based on what society, media, and entertainment puts out there about bisexuals. Basically that it is all about the sex, they are confused, or they like to flip back & forth. Quite frankly it’s annoying because for some that is not the case. Granted there are some nasty bisexual women (who I don’t even call ‘bi’ but “sike-a-dykes”) who think it’s cute calling themselves “bi”. These women only like their ‘you know what’ licked & played with and would NEVER be seen outside in public or date a woman but yet call themselves ‘bisexual’. It gives women like me a very bad reputation.

It is already hard enough being an African-American/Filipino woman dealing with judgment from my community and my family because I like women. For the same treatment to occur in the LGBTQ community to me is asinine. It’s just my opinion.

So I guess my question is …Why do bisexuals, especially women, get so much flack in the LGBTQ community when we’re all apart of the same community?

As a lesbian women yourself, what is your advice to a bisexual grounded woman trying to find acceptance in a community that doesn’t show love to her? In your opinion, do you think bisexuals are confused?

Don’t get me wrong, I respect yours and almost every other lesbian’s preference on not dating bisexual women. However I don’t feel like I should have to settle because of my preference.

Just like you cannot help you like women. I cannot help that I’m attracted to women and men.


Confused M.D. , 29, Illinois


Dear Confused M.D.,

You asked so I will answer.

For me dealing with bisexual women is gross. I am a lesbian and my mouth is  a huge part of sex for me, I don’t desire to put my mouth anywhere that has male remains and I personally don’t care how long its been since you’ve been with a man. Furthermore every bisexual female I was with annoyed the HELL out of me. There’s too much drama!

But I figured my response would not be good enough so I summonsed some Facebook friends for their take on dating a bisexual female.

But as for why bisexual women get so much of a hard time… I think It has a lot to do with the experiences many of us have had with them. Now do understand that I do not in any shape form or fashion speak for all lesbians nor do my friends. But I thought It would be nice to hear other perspectives and not just my own.

I believe that there is somebody for everybody and if a person loves you they will love all parts of you. And you can’t be upset when a person does not. Finding the right one is far from an easy task but when it happens it is certainly worth ALL of the hard work.

We all have our own reasons but at the end of the day you can’t change that. We are all adults and are free to make our own life choices. So it is up to you how you handle these differences. Do you let them break you or do you keep pushing along because you know that you are absolutely awesome?

Don’t let one person ruin your search for love. It will come and when it does it will e all you ever needed in life. Just don’t let the differences in opinions jade your heart or thought process. And most of all… Don’t be afraid to be upfront and honest. Being direct can sometimes get you the prize!

Madd Love,


Facebook Responses

  • Scw MadamAmbition To each their own but I couldn’t handle that. I would always see her with a male in my mind and it would push me so far away from her.
  •  Joi Sanchez I don’t like to attach stigmas to people but my experience had proven that they are more confused then they like to admit to. I now take it on a case by case basis. Get to know her and see how real she is about this life.
  • Suretha Robinson I have in the past but it was a bad experience because she wanted all her cake and eat it too. I wouldn’t mind it so much if I could run into one who believes in one relationship at a time and one sex at a time. That’s NOT my experience though. Whenever I come across a bisexual woman, usually she has a main man or men she’s dealing with and wants to just play with women like we are a joke and just a play thing. They’ll tell you that they’re not gonna stop messing with their man for you. They’ll even use the excuse that they keep a man around for their kids.
  • Janeé MissJae Mabry Personally I am only into females and prefers my partner to be as well. If my lover liked men and penis I’d feel I’d never be able to fully please her because that is something I can’t offer. Also subconsciously I’d be thinking “when was the last time there was a dick in there, did she use a condom, did he leave stuff behind ” every time I go down on her. Might even be checking to see if it’s looser than I left it… Lol No Nope No Absolutely not! Not judging tho, to each it’s own…. But for me personally, NO!
  • Sylvia FloSsy Pullum Absolutely not. Been there done it and it was a bad experience. Bisexual women think they can be wit you and a man. To each it’s own but as an aggressive woman we can’t deal wit stuff like that. Most of our fears are women leaving us for men so why put up with a confused woman. It also makes it hard to trust our real lesbian females. That’s just my opinion!!
  • DaRuddest Jones I personally refuse. The idea of going down and not knowing what remnants remain is very disturbing to me. And I personally don’t believe we will both view the relationship in the same light. I don’t believe there will be any longevity.

How can we work when you only partially get me?

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I can handle having a female as competition but how can I compete  with a man when we don’t have the same equipment? I feel like I’m losing the game before we start the game.


I need a female who is aggressive. I need a female who can handle me and snatch me up because as most of you know my mouth is CRAZY lol. 9 times out of 10 a female that’s taking dick isn’t going to be but so in tuned with their aggressive side because they are capable of being subdued by a man. I can handle you getting your back blown by a female oppose to a man.

I don’t think they are confused. They genuinely like both. I’m fine with that I just need them to be with knowing A huge chunk of lesbians do not want them.

And on some real honest sh*t… If I do deal with a bi female it’s sheerly for sex. That would never be a relationship I take seriously and I would not be a giver at all.

Oh and let’s not forget the higher chances of pregnancy.

Maaaannnnnn listen…. Most of you know I’m anti kids. Let a chick I’m with pop up pregnant…. Imma stop her heart with my bare d-mn hands!

  • Reign Taylor In my past it was a strict no. The more I got to know myself, and embrace who I am, the less I care about who she dated in her past. I’m trying to be her future. My focus is on us. What I have to do to keep us happy, growing and together. All relationships have their own struggles. People cheat and do other sh-t that make it hard to stay together. That’s just facts. These days, I want to know my partner. Make sure we are on the same page from the door. Become friends before we start f–king and let everything else come together on its own. So yes, I will and have dated bi-women. It would be foolish of me to miss out on the woman that is everything I am looking for just because she is bi. I’m more concerned with whats in the package than the box it comes in. Who are you? We can go from there.
  • DaRuddest Jones But honey, her sexuality is inside the box…. her fat ass is the package. Lol.
  • Suretha Robinson Right DaRuddest…that’s why I don’t deal.
  • Reign Taylor Right and when u get to the point that u love someone or are willing to, you have to accept all that they are. Good, bad and indifferent.DaRuddest Jones
  • Reign Taylor Being with a strict lesbian doesn’t mean she isn’t gonna do sh*t to hurt you, bruise your pride, put your health at risk. People do dumb a*s sh*t period. So I need to know who u are as a person before we start f–king. Chicks can be reckless regardless of their sexuality.
  • DaRuddest Jones True. Females are annoying PERIOD but dealing with a female that has a double attraction only doubles the bs.
  • DaRuddest Jones And from my own experience bi chick’s are rather disrespectful. They don’t put guys in their place the way that they should. They like the attention and I don’t have time for that.I’m quick to tell a guy to get the fu*k out my face before I f*ck his mother and make his sister watch. Where as a bi chick tends to still toot that ass up a little bit even when they’re trying not to. I don’t have time for that. Nor do I have the patience to sit and figure out if you mean what you say. Life it too short.
  • Joi Sanchez I will also say that I’ve lived both sides.. Everyone who knows me knows I have children from a man, and I’ve always been fluid with my sexuality, so maybe that’s why I take it on a case by case because not every female is the same. I’ve never identified as bisexual because I don’t get involved with someone based on what they do or don’t have. I am also that female that will put a man in his place if he gets out of line.. And I also think that’s the difference. A female must know who she is first before deciding to adapt to any particular identity. A female must also learn to have respect for herself and others regardless of how she identifies.
    I’ve always been a queer woman, I’ve never denied my attraction to the human beings that we all are. But i went through years of folks not understanding me and assuming I would do them dirty because I couldn’t say i would never f–k a man.
    On the same note though, it was because of those stigmas that I made sure to always check myself if I felt I might be disrespecting the person I was with at the time. It’s NEVER okay to cheat, sneak, and lie to get what you want, no matter who you wanna f–k. I think most of us have been hurt because the way bi-sexuality and women in general will lie to themselves and everyone else because this LGbt life is still seen as “other” and a different love that is somehow not normal, when in fact it’s as natural as the skin you’re in. Sexuality is naturally fluid. In ancient African tribes (and some today still) those who are LGBT/two-spirit etc. are seen as spiritual guides and gate keepers between realms of the physical and spirit worlds. This new world has forgotten and replaced Our history with a phallocentric, white-supremacist, patriarchal teaching of binaries that has been successful in keeping us disconnected from our powerful ancestry. (<—total tangent but couldn’t help it)
  • Reign Taylor ^^^^^ Too true.
  • Brittnee Lucas I will never do it again in my life.